


an act of self-discovery

by yuri_plicatsky



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Asexual Yuri Plisetsky, Character Study, Demisexual Katsuki Yuuri, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24910564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuri_plicatsky/pseuds/yuri_plicatsky
Summary: It was a simple off-hand comment that made Yuri question everything.Yuri finds out that people think he's dating Otabek and learns a lot about love and himself in the process
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri & Yuri Plisetsky, Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Mila Babicheva & Yuri Plisetsky, Mila Babicheva/Sara Crispino, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Otabek Altin & Yuri Plisetsky, Victor Nikiforov & Yuri Plisetsky
Comments: 14
Kudos: 74





	an act of self-discovery

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty much entirely based off my own experiences and thought process while I was coming to terms with being asexual but I hope it's still in character for Yuri! Much love <3

It was a simple off-hand comment that made Yuri question everything.

The banquet after the Grand Prix is supposed to be an evening of celebrating success, both your own and your peers. For the first time since the season began, skaters are permitted a glass of champagne (or two, or three. An entire bottle, in Victor’s case). There’s music and dancing, the room bathed in a warm glow.

Or, at least, it was, until Otabek offered to walk Yuri back to the hotel. Yuri had been planning on leaving early but Yakov didn’t want him walking alone at night, so he was stuck waiting for Victor until Otabek mentioned to Leo that he was tired and Yuri had almost fallen over himself in his hurry to say “yes, hello, I’m tired too! Get me out of here!”

They find Mila and Victor (and by extension, Yuuri), the only people Yuri had deemed worthy of saying goodbye too.

“I’m bored so I’m leaving,” Yuri announces. “Otabek’s leaving too.”

There’s a mysterious twinkle in Victor’s eye. “Behave, you two!” he says in a light sing-song tone that told Yuri he was _definitely_ drunk. “Stay _safe_.” There was something to the suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows that made Yuri shift uneasily.

The rest of the people around Victor somehow find his statements uproariously funny, cementing Yuri’s feeling that he’s missed something but he’s not sure what.

“C’mon, Beka,” Yuri mutters, grabbing Otabek’s jacket.

-

Yakov said Yuri was allowed _one_ coffee the next morning but he didn’t specify what _kind_ of coffee, so he sat across from Victor sipping a white chocolate mocha topped with cream.

“You’ve got a bit…” Victor taps his nose.

Yuri makes a noise and wipes the offending cream off with the back of his hand.

“Did you and Otabek have fun last night?”

Yuri nods. “Yeah, he drove me back to the hotel and we watched cat videos on YouTube.” It was nice. Having friends was nice.

“And you were… _safe_?” Victor asks, looking at him with a concern that Yuri had never seen before.

_Victor looks so weird when he’s serious. Also, what kind of question is that?_ “Um, yeah? Why wouldn’t we be safe? We were at the hotel, there was lots of people.”

It’s a day of firsts; Victor looks scandalised. “Woah, okay. That’s a bit much. I don’t think I needed to know that.”

Yuri’s eyebrows pinch together. _What is happening right now?_ “Are you going senile in your old age? What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t need to know you were an exhibitionist! And for god’s sake, you’re a _child_ , you can’t be having sex in the hotel!”

Yuri flinches. Victor thought that he and Otabek? Disgusting. Wait, Victor thought he was having sex? Why would he be having sex? His head spins. And why with Otabek? They were friends and Otabek was one of the few people Yuri was willing to admit was his friend. He can hear his heat beating in his ears.

While Yuri was panicking, Victor had continued talking. “-and I’ll be speaking to Otabek. You both need to be more-” he breaks off. “Yura? Are you okay?”

Yuri’s tongue feels too heavy to speak but he manages. “You thought that Otabek and I were sleeping together? Is that why everyone laughed?”

Victor looks surprised. “Yes? Aren’t you?”

“No!” Yuri yells. The couple a few tables over turns and Yuri sits down, embarrassed. He hadn’t even realised he was standing.

“Well, why not?”

This isn’t fair. Victor’s looking at him like _he’s_ the weird one. He’s not weird, Victor is.

“People don’t just sleep with people like that! Don’t be gross.” Yuri hisses.

Victor’s confusion morphs back into concern. He sets his coffee down on the table. “Yuri,” he says gently, “have you never wanted to… haven’t you ever wanted to… I’m not getting this. What exactly do you mean that people don’t just sleep with people?”

“I meant what I said.”

Victor hums. “And you’ve never seen someone and wanted to kiss them?”

What kind of a question was that? “No? People don’t do that.” What part of this is Victor not getting? “I’m over this, I’m leaving.”

“Yura…”

“Goodbye, Victor.”

_Victor can pay for my coffee. Karma for being so weird._

-

It hits him like a train while he’s decorating his Neko Atsume house.

Other people look at people and want to have sex with them? Should he be doing that? Is he not experiencing that because he’s a teenager and that’s a grownup thing? That’s disgusting, isn’t it some kind of invasion of privacy to think of other people that way?

Does this mean there’s something wrong with him?

He can’t get out of his own head and he spirals down, down, down.

If Victor thinks that he and Otabek are together, does that mean that Yuri has been acting like they’re together? Does _Otabek_ think they’re together? Should he talk to Otabek? Everything feels fuzzy and out of focus. He tastes something sharp in his mouth and realises he’s bitten his tongue. He hasn’t felt this sick since he lost against Yuuri in Japan.

His phone buzzes. _Yakov: Discussing next program with Lilia. If you want any say in music, come here now._

His legs wobbled but he squares his shoulders and went.

In the end, he’s not sure what music he ended up with.

-

There was only a few days before the other skaters would be returning home.

Yuri was running out of time. He needs to act, and fast. He has to know if there was something wrong with him.

Otabek’s nose is in a book, something hefty with a title that Yuri can’t read from where he’s lying on Otabek’s bed.

He still doesn’t know if this is a good idea or not.

“Beka, can I ask you something?”

Otabek barely raises his head, not even looking at Yuri. “Sure.”

_Oh, god._ “Can I kiss you?”

That got his attention. “What?”

“I just… I want to try something. And you’re the only one I trust.” Yuri’s voice sounded pitiful, even to his own ears. He hated it.

Otabek’s words were kind yet firm. “Yuri, I’m honoured that you trust me but you’re a child. I’m an adult, I don’t feel comfortable.”

Face burning, Yuri nods. “I’m sorry. I should go.” He pushes himself off the bed and grabs his bag.

“Yuri, wait. If there’s something bothering you, I want you to feel like you can tell me. You don’t have to keep it to yourself.”

Yuri pauses, hesitating. _Should he?_

“It’s fine. Don’t worry.”

-

Yuri returns to Russia. It’s cold, as always, and he forgot his gloves in his checked bag, so his fingers are numb and unresponsive. He shoves them into the pockets of his jacket without wincing.

“I told you not to forget your gloves,” Lilia says, eyeing him in a way that’s just a few shades off smug.

Teeth chattering, Yuri snaps, “I didn’t forget! I’m not cold!”

“The joys of teen angst,” Yakov mutters under his breath.

Yuri glares at him. “I bet Victor was worse.”

Yakov scoffs but doesn’t respond. Yuri suspects he doesn’t have a comeback.

They pass through security and baggage claim. A few people recognise him and point, but the sight of his scowl is enough to stop them from coming any closer.

Lilia clicks her tongue. “You may be the prima ballerina, but that doesn’t mean you can be rude.”

Yuri stops scowling but doesn’t smile; that’s too much, even for him.

Besides, if a photo of him smiling surfaces, Mila will tease him without mercy.

_There’s an idea. Mila might be helpful, if she doesn’t lift me again._

-

Mila does lift him over her head.

“Don’t struggle! I’ll drop you,” she warns when he struggles.

“Put me down, hag! I have questions!”

She sets him down, shocked. “Really? You have questions? For me?”

“Yes.”

Mila looks unacceptably delighted at the thought. “How exciting! Is it about a girl? You’ve gotten quite popular with the girls lately.”

Yuri grimaces. “Gross.”

“What’s gross about girls?” Mila pouts.

“It’s not about a girl!”

“Clearly. You’re going out with Otabek right? Nice pull, he’s hot. Reminds me of my ex.”

Something unpleasant curls into his stomach, although he’s not sure whether it’s from Mila thinking he’s dating Otabek or the comparison between Otabek and Mila’s ex.

“I’m not dating Otabek. We aren’t like that,” Yuri says, lacking much of his usual venom.

Mila’s eyes widen. “Really? Huh. What did you want to ask, then?”

“How did you know you liked girls?”

Mila smacks a hand over his mouth. “Not so loud!” she hisses.

_But you saying I’m dating Otabek loudly, that’s fine, is it?_ “Well?” he demands.

Mila shrugs. “It didn’t take much, really,” she says, “I always liked girls and then when I was in high school… I started crushing on my best friend. It scared me shitless, so I just shoved it down and dated Ivan. Then I saw Sara skate and I met her and it made me think that maybe the way I felt wasn’t quite as wrong as I thought.” Her smile is soft and inexplicably makes Yuri think of the way he longs to be home whenever he’s away.

She shakes her head as if waking herself from a dream. “Why do you ask?”

Yuri hesitates. “I was just… curious,” he says. _Because I don’t like girls but I don’t like boys and you have to pick at least one, right?_ “Do you think it’s possible to not like girls but also not like boys?”

Mila ponders the question, leaning into a hamstring stretch (which means it really must be giving her grief). Finally, after what feels like hours but is probably only about a minute, Mila replies. “I don’t know. I don’t think that anyone could go through life without loving anyone.”

_I didn’t mean love when I said like. You can love people without wanting to screw them._

“I meant not wanting to have sex.”

Unfortunately for Mila (and Yuri), she had been taking a sip of her coffee when he clarified. Yuri could have done without having Mila’s coffee-flavoured spit all over him.

“Christ, Yura.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“Well, _you’re_ weird. How could you not want to have sex? Sex is fun!” Mila looks at him like he’s grown a second head.

“ _You’re_ weird. I’m leaving. I want to be wearing something that isn’t covered in your spit.”

Maybe he’d chosen the wrong person. Mila’s fun, flirty. Maybe he needs to talk to someone a bit less… vivacious.

_Oh, no._

He knows who he needs to talk to, but he wishes he didn’t have to.

-

It’s not like Yuri really _wanted_ to call Yuuri, but he was running out of adults to talk to (and after the Otabek debacle, he feels too embarrassed to ask him).

The Skype outgoing call tone rings for what seems like forever before Yuuri answers.

“I need you to answer something for me,” Yuri demands, in lieu of saying hello.

Yuuri nods, a bemused smile on his face. “Yeah, of course.”

“Is Victor around?”

“No, but I can get him.” Yuuri turns away from the camera, taking a deep breath.

“Don’t!”

Slowly, Yuuri meets Yuri’s gaze, concern apparent on all his features. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Do you look at Victor and want to have sex with him?”

Yuuri makes an odd choking sound but manages to squeak out, “Woah, where’d that come from?” He scrambles back, as if he could physically escape the conversation. Yuri supposes he technically could; Yuuri could just walk out of the room or close his laptop.

“Answer the question.”

Yuuri turns a shade of red that Yuri has never seen on a live person before. “It’s not that simple for me,” he says quietly. “I- I’m not like most other people.”

_Yeah, well, I’m defective. Join the goddamn club._ Yuri doesn’t snap, but his tone is still sharp out of habit. “Explain.”

Yuuri sighs. “So I’m demisexual. Do you know what that means?”

The way Yuri curls his lip says ‘obviously not’.

“It means I don’t experience sexual attraction until I feel emotionally connected to someone. Which means that I didn’t want to have sex with Victor until I actually got to know him as a person, not just as the skater I’ve idolised since I was a kid.”

Yuri thinks for a minute. “But now you know him, it’s like a switch has been flipped and you want to… y’know all the time?”

Yuuri laughs. “Oh, God, absolutely not! It’s different for other demis, but for me, it’s like…” Yuuri stops and buries his face in his hands. The bits Yuri can still see are that same strange red. “Do you really want me to go on? You get it, right?”

Yuri gives him a pointed look, but sighs, “I guess.”

Yuuri removes his hands and smiles. “Are you okay?” he asks. “What prompted all this?”

“Reasons.”

Yuuri bites back a sigh. “Okay. Well, I hope this was helpful?”

“It was. _Spasibo. Do svidaniya_.” Yuri clicks out of the Skype window.

It was helpful, he thinks. By way of it being completely unhelpful, because that’s not anything like what he feels.

-

He tries not to think about it.

He feeds his Neko Atsume cats, listens to the music for his upcoming programs and starts to think a little about the choreography (nothing solid, because he knows that Lilia will have already choreographed both programs, but maybe if he can put together a sequence she’ll take him more seriously. And maybe he can get her to overlook his ‘Welcome to the Madness’ routine, which he doesn’t regret but it’s not the sort of program the judges expect from him).

(Wait, Otabek _bit_ his glove off? No wonder Victor thought something was going on.)

Yuri groans because _now_ he’s thinking about it.

If he’s going to think about it, he may as well do something productive.

He types into google: _demisexual meaning_

**_Demisexual:_** _only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person. On the asexuality spectrum._

“What the fuck is an asexuality spectrum?”

_Click, click._

His eyes run over the paragraph.

“Oh. I’m an asexuality spectrum.”

And something about that settles everything in him.

-

It takes him a few goes to get the photo just right (and a few weeks for the flag to arrive). But it’s worth it, Yuri thinks. The pride flag drapes over his shoulders like a cape and he smirks at the camera. He uploads the photo, captioned with: _Call me asexual, because I really don’t give a fuck._

**Author's Note:**

> (((thank you so much for reading! I was inspired to write this after a convo on a bus with my dear friend Jem and I'm feeling quite nervy about posting this but it's up so??? <3)))
> 
> (edit: updated Nov. 11th 2020 to include a summary since I was so nervous to post this, I forgot to actually, y'know, tell people what the fic is about)


End file.
